


Oh klahoma

by Rustyanklebraclet



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Depression, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, SnowBaz, Songfic, jack stauber - oh klahoma, penlope/agatha, why is there literally nothing about them its not fair
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-18
Updated: 2019-03-18
Packaged: 2019-11-24 02:15:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18160142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rustyanklebraclet/pseuds/Rustyanklebraclet
Summary: Simon is breaking apart. Cracking. Crumbling. Turning to dust in Baz’s hand. And he’s the only one who sees it.(A songfic to the song Oh klahoma by jack stauber)





	Oh klahoma

**Author's Note:**

> Hi okay so i wrote this in literally a day sksks but im still kind of proud of the way that it turned out!! also the wayward son cover?? skksksk baz is so beautiful what a fucking icon. why are simons wings neon blue tho??? why?? what is the reason, rainbow???
> 
> the song is Oh klahoma by jack stauber and i highly reccomend it its really good and its what got me into jack staubers music, which is really good sksks i higly reccomend it as well. the idea to write this fic in general also came from an animatic to that song made by an-island-of-bunnies on tumblr (it was posted on their youtube, but i cant seem to remember their channel name. im sure its linked on their blog) 
> 
> Anyways theyre an amazing artist and def check them out!

**_Set the phasers to rot_ **

**_What has got you distraught?_ **

**_It's negative attention at best_ **

 

Baz sits up in the night, instantly able to tell that something is wrong. He looks to where Simon is supposed to be next to him, but finds the other side of the bed empty. He heads down the hall to the kitchen, where he can see a light on.

 

When turns the corner, he finds Simon sitting on the counter, sipping a mug of tea. He looks up when Baz enters, but it’s clear he’s not really seeing him. 

 

“Are you alright, love?”

 

**_But call it nothing_ **

 

“Um, yeah. I’m good. I was just having trouble sleeping and didn’t want to wake you up. It’s nothing. really.” he says with a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

 

“Come back to bed, Simon,” says Baz.

 

Simon drinks his last gulp of tea, slides off the counter, and heads back to the bedroom with Baz.

 

**_Maybe it's something, a little bit, a little bit_ **

**_Maybe it's something, do a little bit, a little bit_ **

 

Simon is already making breakfast the next morning when Baz gets up. He wraps his arms around the blonde's waist and rests his chin on his shoulder, kissing his cheek, as Simon turns his head to kiss him properly. 

 

“Go sit down. I’ll bring your eggs over, they’re almost done.”

 

It becomes clear rather quickly during breakfast that Simon got little to no sleep the night before. Baz says nothing.

 

**_It's all about ascension, I guess_ **

**_Don't put me to rest_ **

**_Go on and hand me your clothes_ **

 

Simon knocks firmly on the door, which is soon opened by Penny, who lets them in with a smile. 

 

“Who is it, dear?” Calls Agatha from the kitchen.

 

“Simon and Baz!” Calls Penny.

 

Soon, the small flat is filled with music and laughter, as a group relatively larger then Penny and Agatha had planned for had more fun then they’d had in a long time. Everyone was enjoying themselves so much that neither woman could find the energy to care.

 

**_Take a picture or two_ **

**_I can see you_ **

 

The four friends spoke animatedly in the kitchen, almost out of the way of the party that half the group had planned. The all turn to face Garret as he enters the kitchen with a laugh, Rhys holding his hand and trailing close behind of them, both of them laughing hysterically and clearly having had quite a bit to drink. 

 

“You guys are such good friends.” he says sloppily, as though he's about to start crying “Aren’t they such good friends, Rhy?”

 

“The best!” says Rhys, equally sloppily, raising his cup to them.

 

“Come here, come here, gather in,” says Gareth

 

“Why?” says Baz amusedly, eyebrow raised

 

“Picture,” says Gareth, not-so-subtly suppressing a belch

 

Gareth, being the natural photographer that he is, somehow gets a decent photo of the four.

 

It hangs in both flats for years to come.

 

**_Tears falling down at the party_ **

**_Saddest little baby in the room_ **

 

Later, Baz strikes up a fascinating conversation about Shakespeare with one of the few sober people left in the rooms (Some cousin of Agatha's that was the designated driver for his group), when he sees Simon push through the crowd towards him and come over to him, wrapping both his arms around Baz’s left one, something he only does when he’s truly upset and just needs to feel Baz beside him.

 

Baz pulls them to a room at the back of the flat, a guest room/study where Rhys and Gareth are making out so intensely one of them would get pregnant if they weren’t both guys. They both get up and scamper out the second the door opens, clearly slightly embarrassed.

 

Baz sits on the bed and gestures for Simon to come sit with him. Simon stands in front of a sitting Baz for a second, clearly confused, then shrugs and descends into Baz’s lap, straddling the taller boy as he kisses him. Baz gives in for just a moment, before pulling away.

 

“Not now, Snow. What's bothering you?” He says firmly, looking up into his crystal blue eyes.

 

“Nothing. M’fine” he says, leaning back towards Baz, this time attacking his neck.

 

Baz wants to just melt into the feeling, let Simon touch him until he spills over the edge, but he can’t.

 

He pulls his boyfriend off, holding him firmly by the shoulders. “What. Is. Wrong.”

 

**_Fears! Tell me fears! Don't get me started_ **

**_I get a little grey hair for every scare you share_ **

**_Those aren't meant to bend_ **

**_No, those aren't meant to bend_ **

 

Simon finally breaks, head falling onto Baz’s shoulder. It resets there for a minute before he starts shaking and Baz realizes that he’s crying. Baz brings his and up to Simons' head, burying his fingers in the mess of golden curls.

 

“Shhh. it’ll be okay, love. I’m here. It’ll be okay.”

 

**_I hear your eyes_ **

**_And I see those cries_ **

**_I hear those eyes_ **

**_And I see those cries_ **

 

The two of them leave the room a little later, hand in hand, and head back over to Penny and Agatha to say goodbye.

 

They lay in bed later that night, both presuming the other to be sleeping soundly, both wondering if they’re ever going to sleep right again.

 

**_I can't be the only one who hears you_ **

 

The next two weeks pass like normal. Simon spends the weekdays at Uni. Baz spends the weekdays at work. They agree to spend the evenings together, but Simon usually ends up studying or working in the living room while Baz practices violin in the bedroom. They eat takeout with Penny and Agatha at the girls flat on Friday nights. Weekends are uneventful. Every night, Baz “goes for a walk” after dinner. Neither one of them acknowledges that he’s draining the life out of animals too small to fight back.

 

Simon can barely sleep. He spends most nights on the balcony. His eyes have permanent bags, and coffee runs through his veins more than blood does. They both pretend he spent all night fast asleep next to Baz. For the other’s sake, and their own.

 

Simon is breaking apart. Cracking. Crumbling. Turning to dust in Baz’s hand. And he’s the only one who sees it.

 

**_Tears falling down at the party_ **

**_Saddest little baby in the room_ **

 

“Come back to bed”

 

Simon turns around to face Baz, who's standing in the doorframe, staring with a mixture of frustration and sadness at his shell of a boyfriend, looking awfully too small for the crappy plastic chair he’s sitting in.

 

“Of course. I just was stirring a bit and didn’t want to wake you. Did I wake you?” Simon says, smiling like it hurts.

 

“I wasn’t sleeping,” Baz says, so quietly he’s not even sure Simon heard him. 

 

“I’m still sorry.”

 

“Don’t be sorry. Tell me what’s wrong. And don’t tell me it’s nothing, because we both know that’s bullshit! What is going on with you? What happened to my boyfriend? Where did he go?”

 

**_Fears! Tell me fears! Don't get me started_ **

**_I get a little grey hair for every scare you share_ **

**_Those aren't meant to bend_ **

**_No, those aren't meant to bend_ **

 

Simon stares at him for a moment, before breaking down completely. Full on sobbing, as Baz quickly grabs a second chair and sits in front of him. He takes both Simon’s freckled hands into his own pale ones, whispering soft words of condolence and security to the broken boy he could never stop loving. The golden boy, who’s taken all the light out of the world by not shining as bright as he once did. 

 

“It started with nightmares.” Simon says, once his voice is steady enough to speak “I could handle those. I’ve been having nightmares for years, what's a few new ones? But then I just.. I don’t know. I had this feeling all the time. You know the feeling you have when you wake up after a really bad dream? I started to feel like that all the time.” He started crying again, and Baz pulled him onto his chest, rubbing his back and kissing the top of his head”

 

“I’m sorry, Baz. I’m so, so, sorry”

 

**_Those aren't meant to bend_ **

**_No, those aren't meant to bend_ **

**_Tears falling down at the party_ **

**_Saddest little baby in my eyes_ **

**_Fears! Tell me fears! Don't get me started_ **

 

Baz pulls Simon off his chest gently, stormy grey eyes staring into piercing blue ones. “Never apologize. Never apologize for having emotions. The shit you went through, Simon, it makes me feel sick to even think about you hurting like that. You didn’t choose this. So never apologize to me for just existing.”

 

Simon smiles, truly smiles, for what Baz realizes is the first time in months. Suddenly, the world has regained its golden light. Baz can breathe again.

 

That night, they both sleep soundly. Simon curled into Baz’s chest, head tucked safely under the taller boy’s chin. 

 

All is right.

 

**_I might die_ **

**Author's Note:**

> Come scream into the void with me OR just request a fic you’d like to see on [Tumblr](https://readandwritesilver.tumblr.com/)!
> 
> As always, any and all feedback is appreciated :)
> 
> Much love, Clover <3


End file.
